Getting By.

Hope can always be seen.

My mind is both blank and racing at the same time. There’s so much that I want to say, yet, I just can’t unscramble all my thoughts. Difficult doesn’t even begin to describe these past few weeks—but I say that in every post, whenever I catch up with someone after they haven’t heard from me in a while, and to doctors, especially. You think it can’t possibly get any worse, then it does. I guess that’s why I appropriately titled this entry “getting by” because some days–most days–you have to remind yourself why you’ve hanged on this long in the first place.

Doctor visits are becoming more frequent, co-pays and bills continue to pile up, and collection agencies call every hour of every day. The Emergency Room is no use because I’ve already had every test done under the sun and have had my share of radiation for the next ten years. And the doctor that diagnosed me with Lyme Disease said there’s nothing he can do for me anymore. So, forgive me for breaking. Another doctor promised he’d find the cause of my stomach pain, did numerous tests, came up with a diagnosis, and dropped off the face of the earth when my insurance couldn’t cover this certain “miracle drug”. And here I am, still hoping for answers, still hanging on.

Be thankful for the loved ones already in your life and quit worrying again about the ones that just no longer fit. Not just because it’s the holiday season, but always. A dear friend reminded me that just because I’m ill, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be happy. It’s taken a while to believe and accept that. Meanwhile, that’s all I tell my friends when they’re at their lowest, to never let anything get in between of you and your heart, no matter what.

What I’m trying to say is, there are going to be speed bumps and other obstacles that are going to try to run you off course, distracting you from what’s most important: your life, your recovery. But you can’t get distracted, you can’t take your eyes off the road. You need to keep looking forward, through the pain, the tears, the moments when you just don’t think you can do this anymore, and fight. Fight through your weakest days, force yourself to see the sun every morning. When it all goes black, you will no longer be able to see why you’ve hanged to this precious life for so long. But if you keep looking forward, keep your eyes open, you’ll see things you’ve never seen, never realized before. I can’t tell you what you’ll see, but I can tell you it would be a shame to just give it all up, without ever getting the chance to. “There’s too much beauty to quit.”

There’s nothing wrong with just “getting by”. At least you’re still going.

Happy Holidays to all. My goal for the New Year is to submit posts more regularly, to continue being your voice. (((Sending strength and love)))

And as always, healing thoughts and prayers to all,

Kate

Advertisements

4 responses to “Getting By.

  1. You do deserve happiness!

    What a beautiful post, thank you for writing this, for sharing your story for us to reflect upon our own lives. There is so much beauty in the world. No matter what horrors we may have seen or experienced in our worlds there is much to be grateful for. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for the angels who have held me up with their wings so I can share my story with the world.

    with love,
    Joan

    The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. ~John Vance Cheney

    • I can’t thank you enough, Joan. Couldn’t agree more with your response. I too, am extremely grateful to be alive, what I have endured so far, and so, so, much more. Thank you, again. Sending all my love and well wishes.

  2. You deserve all the happiness in the world, let it in.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s