Tag Archives: fear

I’m still me.

I’m still my father’s little girl, my mother’s best friend and my brother’s sister. I’m still your cousin, your niece and your granddaughter. I’m still the friend that will make you laugh and the friend that will always be there. I’m still the girl you can talk to about anything, the girl who will cry with you and tell you it’s going to be alright. I’m still the friend you can call up out of the blue and pick up right where we left off. I’m still the girl who will stick up for you, remind you of your strengths and tell you how much you matter. I’m still the friend that will always try and make everything okay, the friend that will gladly go out of their way for you and who will always try to make you smile. I’m still the friend who will always care about you, the friend you did everything with and the friend you considered a sister.

 

I’m still her.

 

I’m still me.

 

I’m the girl that hasn’t given up, the girl that battles Lyme Disease every single day and the girl who won’t go down without a fight. I’m the friend that is mostly confined to her bed, the friend who can’t help how she feels and the friend that doesn’t mean to keep losing touch. I’m the girl who just wants someone to love her through the good days and the bad days, the girl who is tired of being defined by others because of her illness and the girl who just wants to feel better again.

 

I may be her, but I’m still me.

 

 

Healing thoughts and prayers to all,

Kate

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Seeing The Good: Day 24

“Just because you accept help from someone, doesn’t mean you have failed. It just means you’re not in it alone.”

When I first heard this quote in the film Life As We Know It, I just wanted to keep rewinding back to that same scene and watch it over and over and over. I was overcome with such relief and at the same time, fear.

Most people would say dying is their biggest fear or losing someone close. Maybe it’s getting stuck in an elevator (which I have–and survived!) or getting into a car accident. My biggest fear is losing my independence. In other words, ending up in a wheel chair. Anyone suffering from such chronic pain have days where they are just not able to go about their usual routine without some assistance. Which brings me to the relief part–I’m sincerely thankful and grateful that my family is there for me and helps me in any way that they possibly can. But I don’t want to be their sick daughter, I  want to be just their daughter. And I don’t want to be my brother’s sick sister, I want to be just his sister and only his sister. Nothing else attached. The point I’m trying to get at is, I know I’m not in this illness alone, just like the quote states, I just don’t want them or anyone else to end up being my source of dependence.

I know my family is there for me and that they want to be there. There may be times where they are unsure of what to say or do, but they are there. And most importantly, I know it. Words can’t begin to even describe how much I appreciate my parents and all that they do. My brother? He’s the best brother a sister can have. Yes, there are times where he doesn’t understand or is confused by whats going on, but having an almost 14-year-old ask me if I need anything and tells me “I love you” before he goes to bed every night, I’m truly blessed to have him by my side. I wouldn’t not want him apart of my life, no matter what the circumstance may be. I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that he told my parents he doesn’t think the “old Katie” is ever coming back. He’s right. She’s not, but the Katie that does come out on the other side of this illness will be even better–in better health and in a better mind-set about whatever else comes her way. Even while sick, I try my hardest to be there for my family and those around me as much as possible. I never feel like I have to be there, I’m just there out of the goodness of my own heart. Always have been, always will be.

 Currently, I’m trying to take down walls. I’m realizing that even when loved ones that you were once close with make you feel as if they no longer what you apart of their life, there are ones that actually want you to be apart of theirs. And have the chance to be there for you, too.

Accept help when it’s offered. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask, don’t be afraid to reach for someone’s hand. You don’t have to go this alone. And you shouldn’t. Something I need to start reminding myself.

Healing thoughts and prayers to all-

Kate