I’m still my father’s little girl, my mother’s best friend and my brother’s sister. I’m still your cousin, your niece and your granddaughter. I’m still the friend that will make you laugh and the friend that will always be there. I’m still the girl you can talk to about anything, the girl who will cry with you and tell you it’s going to be alright. I’m still the friend you can call up out of the blue and pick up right where we left off. I’m still the girl who will stick up for you, remind you of your strengths and tell you how much you matter. I’m still the friend that will always try and make everything okay, the friend that will gladly go out of their way for you and who will always try to make you smile. I’m still the friend who will always care about you, the friend you did everything with and the friend you considered a sister.
I’m still her.
I’m still me.
I’m the girl that hasn’t given up, the girl that battles Lyme Disease every single day and the girl who won’t go down without a fight. I’m the friend that is mostly confined to her bed, the friend who can’t help how she feels and the friend that doesn’t mean to keep losing touch. I’m the girl who just wants someone to love her through the good days and the bad days, the girl who is tired of being defined by others because of her illness and the girl who just wants to feel better again.
My name is Kate. I’m 26, I haven’t gone to college, the only relationship I have is with my bed (or sometimes the couch) and I’m trying to get back on my feet again after fighting Lyme Disease for most of my life.
Some of that may sound familiar since I originally wrote it in an earlier post back when I first started this blog. I wish my absence meant I’ve only been improving but, that’s unfortunately not the case. In the posts-to-come, I’ll be sure to update you on my continuous fight with Lyme and all the difficulties you must face dealing with a chronic illness such as the loss of friendships, relationships, independence and how many, many, many of us are not giving ourselves the credit we truly do deserve. We’re still fighting, we’re still here. That means something, right?
Most don’t have a clue what someone with a chronic illness goes through on a daily basis. We can’t help it if we can’t make it out of bed most days, are unable to eat, think clearly, hold a conversation, move without wincing in pain, always needing the bathroom, not feeling up to getting out of the house, glued to our heating pad, need the room dark because of a terrible migraine, so nauseous you can’t even speak, curled up in a ball because of intense stomach pain, hit the point of exhaustion where you just can’t keep your eyes open–and much more.
For those of you not familiar with my blog, it’s about how Lyme Disease both takes time from you as well as takes time to recover from. You can also expect posts about some of my favorite recipes as well as products I enjoy. I do take the time to share experiences on how numerous doctor appointments left me in tears, to friends and relatives not being able to understand. I know there is someone, somewhere who has yet to be diagnosed or recently was and honestly can’t find themselves more lost just as I once was. I still find myself lost a great deal of the time, but as the title of this post states, “I didn’t come this far to only come this far.” As I continue giving this fight my all, you can count on me being your voice as well as bringing much needed awareness to this truly controversial disease that continues to wreak havoc on so many lives each and every day.
You’re not alone.
“Strength grows in moments when you think you can’t go on but you keep going anyway.”
I often talk about goals, and believe me they are incredibly important to the long-term realization of your vision. However, the attitude of the present is often overlooked. How can I get to my future goals? What do I need to do right now? What will be the end result? These are all fair questions to ask, but one of the first questions should be…Who do I have to be to accomplish this?
What is the mentality then? For me it is: Today, I am going to sacrifice for the betterment of tomorrow. This attitude has kept me in check for the longest time. It puts me in a place where I know I can overcome anything. I realize that any amount of pain I am current going through at take present moment can be overcome with the attitude of sacrifice. I expect the pain to come. I expect the…
It’s days like today that make me feel like I can conquer just about anything. Pain might have been a bit of a problem, but I got myself out of bed, had some coffee, and made it to Sunday Mass for the first time in months. The whole family didn’t go, just me and my mother, which was nice. We haven’t had much us time in a while. I also paid a visit to my grandmother who I haven’t seen since the week after Christmas. We had quite a few laughs as we always do, along with my aunt and uncle who were also there. Today was good.
It’s been a rough week, to say the least, so I’m very thankful for today. Very. If you follow my posts regularly, you’ll notice I didn’t post on the 17th. I know I said I would post something positive each day for a month, no matter what, but I’ve been overcome with such pain, I was unable to. All this suffering day in and day out, not seeming like we’ll ever catch a break, really weighs us down. We do get these “breaks” thrown at us every now and then. And we mustn’t put them off. If we feel up to it, that we can push ourselves with our pain at a bearable level, just go. Go after whatever your heart is desiring to do at that moment and don’t think twice about it, just do it. You’ll be glad you did.
I truly didn’t think today would have been such a great turnout considering the lack of sleep I struggled with the night before. It was a mixture of both pain and emotions that just took over and got the best of me. After today, I’m most definitely in a better light of things now, but know I will succumb to those thoughts and emotions again, only hopefully, it will hurt less.
I’ll leave you with part of a scripture that was read today during Mass that I think many of us need to remind ourselves of often; “Thus says the Lord: Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not.”
I sincerely hope you can rid yourself of any negative past events. Whether it means forgiving another, letting go, or making a different positive change in your life, no matter how hard it is to do, just know you are not alone. Look here or to others that have or are going through a similar situation. You’ll be surprised at the amount of understanding–and just being able to relate to someone.
Here’s to an even better tomorrow. Sending love and strength, always.
Some days, there’s no escaping the pain. The dreaded ache and hurt, pulsating throughout your body, head to toe. On days like this, the only emotion you’re able to express is fear. You’re scared, you feel the pain will never end, and you’re just completely overcome by tears.
Relief will come, relief will come.
It’s hard to explain our pain to others. Not only is it difficult to describe, but that’s just it; it’s indescribable. Remember to be eternally grateful for those around you that continue to remain by your side, even if there’s no communication involved, just tears. “Tears are words the heart can’t express.”
When you find yourself thinking of dear ones no longer apart of your life or the ones that have joined the heavens above, take a moment to relish in those precious memories, then pick your chin up, and continue on. For there is a reason the ones no longer apart of your life are gone and have gone their separate ways. Trying to figure out that reason is always the most painful and therefore, you should just let it go, let it be. And the dear ones that have already walked the staircase to the glorious heavens above, they are always, always with you. Never forget that.
On that note, I’d like to take the time to remember the beloved Whitney Houston. Her death is yet another painful reminder that life is so very short and time is precious. My heart goes out to her family and loved ones. Sending them all much strength and love. Whitney, you will never be forgotten.
Tomorrow is never promised. Always say I love you.
I don’t think most of us give ourselves the credit we deserve. We’re faced with such a challenge, each and every day, yet, we still manage to crack a smile, help with things around the house when we can, attend social gatherings even when we feel the absolute worst–but still feel like a burden, still feel incredibly helpless.
I can’t count how many times my folks have told me to stop apologizing over everything. When I break, I say I’m sorry. When I’m buckled over in pain and can’t move, I say I’m sorry. Even though we have no control how we are going to feel the very next minute, we just can’t help but feel like a bother, no matter what.
We feel the way we do because we care. We care about the ones around us and try to be strong for them. And when we feel we have let them down, we can’t help but apologize. That is why we stray from dear ones because we will do whatever we can to prevent them from seeing us in pain.
On days when the pain is bearable, you can show your appreciation in little ways, such as washing a few dishes or loading the dishwasher. You can organize the messy stack of newspapers and magazines which have collected on the floor. Anything you can think of, give it a try. Just don’t push yourself. I can’t begin to tell you the times I pushed myself out of frustration because I sincerely hate the fact that simple every day chores are becoming such a difficult task for me. I’m sure I’m not alone in this and that, you too, have done the same.
You really shouldn’t worry about what you can and can’t do. I know it’s easier said than done. Your loved ones know you’re trying, I can tell you that. They may not show it or act like it. That’s their way of coping.
So, give yourself the credit you so very much deserve. You’ve been through a heck of a lot. And you do more than you truly realize.