My mind is both blank and racing at the same time. There’s so much that I want to say, yet, I just can’t unscramble all my thoughts. Difficult doesn’t even begin to describe these past few weeks—but I say that in every post, whenever I catch up with someone after they haven’t heard from me in a while, and to doctors, especially. You think it can’t possibly get any worse, then it does. I guess that’s why I appropriately titled this entry “getting by” because some days–most days–you have to remind yourself why you’ve hanged on this long in the first place.
Doctor visits are becoming more frequent, co-pays and bills continue to pile up, and collection agencies call every hour of every day. The Emergency Room is no use because I’ve already had every test done under the sun and have had my share of radiation for the next ten years. And the doctor that diagnosed me with Lyme Disease said there’s nothing he can do for me anymore. So, forgive me for breaking. Another doctor promised he’d find the cause of my stomach pain, did numerous tests, came up with a diagnosis, and dropped off the face of the earth when my insurance couldn’t cover this certain “miracle drug”. And here I am, still hoping for answers, still hanging on.
Be thankful for the loved ones already in your life and quit worrying again about the ones that just no longer fit. Not just because it’s the holiday season, but always. A dear friend reminded me that just because I’m ill, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be happy. It’s taken a while to believe and accept that. Meanwhile, that’s all I tell my friends when they’re at their lowest, to never let anything get in between of you and your heart, no matter what.
What I’m trying to say is, there are going to be speed bumps and other obstacles that are going to try to run you off course, distracting you from what’s most important: your life, your recovery. But you can’t get distracted, you can’t take your eyes off the road. You need to keep looking forward, through the pain, the tears, the moments when you just don’t think you can do this anymore, and fight. Fight through your weakest days, force yourself to see the sun every morning. When it all goes black, you will no longer be able to see why you’ve hanged to this precious life for so long. But if you keep looking forward, keep your eyes open, you’ll see things you’ve never seen, never realized before. I can’t tell you what you’ll see, but I can tell you it would be a shame to just give it all up, without ever getting the chance to. “There’s too much beauty to quit.”
There’s nothing wrong with just “getting by”. At least you’re still going.
Happy Holidays to all. My goal for the New Year is to submit posts more regularly, to continue being your voice. (((Sending strength and love)))
And as always, healing thoughts and prayers to all,